passion obsession

2005-03-08T15:32:00.000+08:00

livejournal.com/~godhatestechno_
moved, again.

kopi time

2005-03-06T02:22:00.000+08:00

was supposed to go watch hitch with betty but every sat is saved for li. :)
as usual we bummed about and floated in the pool, bull-shitting about every single thing.
then i headed down to compass point and walked around, i knew i shouldnt have checked out the scent sections but i couldnt resist cos i'm still waiting for ralphs cool to launch, BUT IT HASNT YET. :(
so then anyway, i saw the escada rockin rio' offer at a discounted price with a free bag which is abso-freaking-lutely cute. abit bimbotic but who cares, it's lovely. :) i love it!
i'm such a sucker for bags.
met up with jasmine and my cell group and we all headed down to cheryls place, shared abit and proceeded to stuffing our faces with pizza while watching the incredibles. :)
this beats any towning-cell-group-bonding activity, indeed simplicity is the best.
then we watched the prelude of miss singapore universe with yan giving a commentary about every single contestant.
one which looked like a man, one which looked like a flamingo.
and pshawns, 'isnt it quite sad they look better with more clothes on?'
and cheryls, 'yah! dont smile, they look the best that way.'

http://shim1.shutterfly.com/procsserv/F-AOW7NiybOGjEDExCKdir52

http://shim1.shutterfly.com/procsserv/F-AOW7NiybOGjEDFBCKdir5q

bumming around. :) with shannon covering his own face. damn pro.

chocolate truffle and earl grey cakes

2005-03-05T00:29:00.000+08:00

just got back from dinner with betty evan san and alvin. :)
gosh betty didnt see through our TOODAMNOBVIOUS plans.
she thought she was meeting evan i and darryl at 3 different timings, HAHAHA so she was planning to have like, 3 dinners.
cos "we're really troubled and would like to meet up for dinner with you. but we cant tell you whats bothering us now.. we'll tell you on friday."

had spaghetti at coffee club, so frikkin' full right now alright. :(
-

BETTY : happy 26th!! ure as old as dust but WHO CARES i still love you to bits!! because you have incredible shopping discount cards. :) hehheh.

almost here

2005-03-02T23:06:00.000+08:00

had a rockin time with li today. :] thanks babe u rock.
STOP hitting me and stop blaming me for your splurge phase. eh but the nike bag rocks man, and so does the skirt, DUH my taste. :]

so currently im bent on going to ngeeann poly.
either gonna do biz or masscomm.
just that since i didnt get a 2 for english (li are we still gonna review the english papers? gotta go down to sc to request for review), ive gotta go through written exam and an interview to see if i qualify for mass comm.
the biz modules are like frikkin boring.
and my mom thinks i should consider early childhood developement.
shit no man, i dont like kids!

-

2005-03-01T19:44:00.000+08:00

everythings fine now.
last night was just an outburst.

li and donna, dont worry about me. :)

mavis used me as the bait to ask betty out for her belated birthday dinner
okkkkay just that.. i think i was abit TOO DAMN OBVIOUS.

spoiler 1.
betty sth cropped up, im troubled. i wanna talk to you -insert damn sad tone-
okkk about what
umm i cant tell you, but lets go out on wed and talk

spoiler 2.
maybe we can have dinner and then i'll tell you whats bothering me
sam just tell me now lah, since when do you ask people out for dinner anyway

spoiler 3.
okok so where do you want to go eat?
anywhere, dsnt matter. as long as you eat.

spoiler 4.
so you arent free on wed?
no, im staying over at ag
huh then can we go out on thurs
sam just tell me now i know ure that kind of person who wont feel like atlking about things after

WAHLAU. she knows me too well lah!!
i was SO obvious SHITTTTTT.
sorry mavis hahahhahah. WHO ASK YOU USE ME AS BAIT LA.

-

2005-02-28T22:12:00.000+08:00

attribute my faith to that of nothingness.
so it has now shaken and crumbled to its very foundations, go ahead, call me a hypocrite.
but indeed is it painful and hard to fathom Gods hand upon your life in such uncertainty..
why do these things happen?
why did he get a heatstroke-severekidneyfailure-inability-to-breathe-ICU-damn-critical-condition?
why did i fuck up my O levels?
why cant i fucking accomplish anything?

whatever.
it boils down to THIS.
i was so SO SO close to it, i WILL achieve it.
even if it may eat my insides out
even if i have to suffer in pain
even if i may create a scene and make people upset
i will smile and tell them everything is okay.
nobody has to know.
nobody wants to know.
this is a personal achievement thing, so everybody kindly back off.

2005-02-27T00:30:00.000+08:00

youdontknowhowmuchithurtsmewhenyougoonandonanditellyoutostopititsokaybutno.
doyouwantmetodietoshowyouhowunfunnyallthisis.
imgettingslightlypissedoffcosofallthisshitplusthefactthatiscrewedbettyspresentup
soscrewoff.

blahh

2005-02-25T16:42:00.000+08:00

http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeCM3Lhw0aNGEM&notag=1
new photos up from #37

in rachels dream..
L1R5 : SCREWED UP. -LAUGHS-

im at ag home now using one of the computers and eating up all the staffs food supply HURHURHUR first it was lynettes sour oranges then bettys yoghurt then whoevers wheat biscuits now its god knows whos chinese new year cookies.
betty has left for KK to visit one of the girls and she has abandoned me here all alone with emily. :((((((((((((((
(kris if ure reading this dont tell her)

im done with the stuff i was supposed to do now im waiting for betty to come back AND DRIVE ME GO ORCHARDDDDDD.
and im bored
and shit scared about release of results
BLAH

stress

2005-02-24T23:48:00.000+08:00

dilemmmmma.

to go to school or not?
given that tmr is the last day to get high before release of results..

so, if i do go to school..
1) i'll get to see hannah et chris ernest sond and gang. :))
2) i'll get screwed upside down by joy tan and i cant think of any excuse that would reasonably validate my 4 days absence from school. make that 8 days absence since anotehr 4 was carried over from the previous week.
3) i'll get to go shoppppping with the bestest EVER shopping gang. cos hannah and i are such shopaholics (arent we babe?) and the guys love shopping also sometimes i think they're metrosexual but who's complaining?

but if i do decide to give school a miss..
1) i'd be doing something far more worthy of my time at aghome.
eg.. being a slave to lynette and letting her bully me to the max like she did today JEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz.
2) talking to kristie and getting to know her better. (woman soemones gonna drag ure ass down to our ym one day! and that someone is either jasmine betty or me! so eitherways u are at a losing end. :] ahhaha but hey it was supperrrb getting to know u today!)
3) .. just doing something USEFUL, something whcih MAKES GOD HAPPY. instead of cockin around talking about MILF and sperm banks.

HOW
HOW
HOW
-stresses out-

okay, whatever evan.

2005-02-23T01:25:00.000+08:00

i think we're telepathic says:

i think we're telepathic says:

i think we're telepathic says:

i think we're telepathic says:

i think we're telepathic says:

i think we're telepathic says:

i think we're telepathic says:
that was a great conversation!

i think we're telepathic says:
wow!

..

OKAY. what-EVERRR evan.

sea of faces

2005-02-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

was dreading going to ag today cos i have a small brain and im not very innovative hence it's tough for me to think of topics to talk about with the girls there.
but thank God today was incredible! :]
i really admire the staff of ag i mean their pay is like peanuts since it's like a social worker kinda thing but they really have a heart for Gods people!!
and i guess when pastor philip read out bits of my reflections infront of the whole church congre on sunday it sort of reminded me of the lessons i learnt in cambodia, in that case i am thankful he read it out even though this means now everyones gonna remind me that, I MUST SHOP LESS
but really on the serious note, it emphasized how i should be applying what i've learnt in cambodia whilst back here in singapore instead of forgetting what God has taught me and returning back to my ohsocomfy life.

and God says that if we love His people, serve His people.
and in 40daysofpurpose we learnt about ministry and serving people, how apt.

so yeah did admin stuff today, that alone was interesting by itself. :]
met some of bettys colleagues, iris and sulynn. they're quite funnnny!! haha

heartbeat of our mission

2005-02-21T19:01:00.000+08:00

went to kuochuan today, the bunch of boys sitting behind me were damn rude.
i expected them to be slightly serious cos it was chapel service but that wasnt quite the case.
i think i would have completely lost it if i were patrick, i mean they were totally treating the worship session as though it was some rock concert!
but i guess this kind of thing takes patience.. it was quite eye opening really. :)

headed down to andrew&grace home after having lunch with the team, met a bunch of girls there, thank god for the handful of friendly ones. :)
other than that, i think i might have to reconsider whether i actually want to help out at the home because i didnt expect things to turn out the way it did.
ohhhhhhhhh wellllllll think i'll go the timings that betty goes too, just so in case i have no one to talk to i dont have to be a loser and try to make up conversations when the girls arent even interested in talking.
but ag home revealed to me the many different characteristics of people which ive never comed across, some of them are so joyous despite their circumstance and that realyl makes me wonder why all of us who are so blessed here with a proper education and a proper family keep on complaining away..

anw li. im free tmr until 4 if u arent going out with me i might consider going to school. :) call me babe i miss you. :)

for the first time

2005-02-20T20:21:00.000+08:00

vince's send off was heartening.. i suppose it's got much to do with the fact that most of his friends look like the tough-sorta-partial-ahbeng, but beneath all those layers lie a very deep bond of friendship and loyalty, and it was so warming to see that..
his friends crying, some literally trobbing away cos he leaving..
his mom crying and saying her last words, hugging him and praying for him..
that in itself made me cry too, i may not be close to vince but hey bro, if you read this, i feel your pain, you know it. and you know i'll be missin you, so email me when everything's been settled. :)

yesterday was pretty shaggy, had ycom meeting and ym after the sendoff.
yes one thing i've learnt is to always open emails from miss president, esp the ym updated calendar. sorry cherry will be doing that in just abit. :)
merged with jasmines cell, had such a great time of sharing and the bits of cockin around.
really thank God for yan and shannon, they're like SO TOTALLY WHATEVER RUBBISSYYY but funny!!

cheryl tricia enlin janice and betty came over to my place after ym and we watched like 15 minutes of scarymovie1 until betty decided that the movie was so totally killing our braincells.. cheryl and tricia left so the rest of us just bummmmmed around. but it was fun, just doing nothing (what i do best huh) and having superrrb company!
betty was like wahlau you have so many bags.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING MAN.
hahhaha!
and enlin, i degraded to the floor that night just so you could have my bed i hope you realise how much i love you! more than sinyi actually. :)) hahahha.

yup so usual sunday service toady had to mend the mission booth like sheesh we just sat there like idiots cos we didnt even have to click the powerpoint lah.. and some lady thought we were playing pop songs just cos the hillsongs united next generation cd wasnt those slowslow kind of sons besides her mission myanmar language song was so not-understandable seriously how do you expect to attract people to the booth if the song is slow.. and boring..
i didnt like the fact that she was giving us the attitude and ticking us off for playing pop songs when they WERENT pop songs.. but i guess i shouldnt ahve given her the attitude as well..

run the race

2005-02-18T16:30:00.000+08:00

today i went to school for 2 hours, to return the stupid fundraising walkathon card.
jeremy handed up an empty card, hahahahah DAMN pro.
me veron charis donated $2 each.
talk about the bare minimum.

also, during chinese, the macs delivery guy came to deliver about 7 breakfast meals.
the expression on his face was a classic i tell you, everyone was like HUH wtf is he doing here?!
hahahahaha then junkai was like, "yah yah come here!"
damn funny, the chinese teacher was in the midst of asking jeremy whether the phone he was charging at his table had colour and mms etcetc.. so when she saw the macs guy she was like, "boy boy, later than chi ni de macs hao mah?" (later than eat ure meal can)

so because chinese was so absofreakinglutely BORINGGGGGGGGG, i left school after that with nichh alex and gang.
you can always count on them to run out with you. :)

went shopping with my mom. she's in a good mood.
li ure right, i bought my green ripples slipper.

fats

2005-02-17T20:10:00.000+08:00

i think i eat too much.
you know what?
screw this.
i don't care if it's weird that i don't eat during lunch time, or dinner time, or whatever time.
my theory is such that i will only eat when i am hungry.

gaining 10kg in a year is not fucking funny.
hearing everyone complain about how fat they are when they are not is also not fucking funny.
it's very triggering, in fact.
i want to be like 40kg again.

screwthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthisscrewthis.

-
et: you go to school to gamble with chris&gobi or to be educated huh? PLS QUESTION URE MORALS. ahahahhaha but i wanna go gamble with you guys too! see first if i quit lah huh.

it looks like you might fall

2005-02-17T10:20:00.000+08:00

how come i cant upload pictures on my blogspot anymore?
i think i might be quitting school.. rather volunteer my time at ag home for experience.

millennia hotel

2005-02-16T15:14:00.000+08:00

i have something to declare
i stayed the full day in school today, a first in about 2 weeks.
joywhore was scolding the class about our irregular attendance and how we shouldnt treat the school like a hotel.
hotel is really too grand a word to describe MI.
when she was starting to get really anal about punctuality, ernest stepped into class. -laughs-

so everyone failed econs test except for this smartass.
slacked with the usual buncha slackers during chinese and econs, twas one helluva incredible sleep. :)
me and ernest scored a grand total of 1/19 (or was it 2) for our history test, well it wasnt really fair to us since we didnt even know there was a test..
but we told mr lam we had an 8, cos we decided to give ourselves 7 sympathy marks.
yes, we totally topped the class.

there is a gp presentation tomorrow in which i know nuts of. and soong this is your project man, you decided the saudi arabia womans right thingy, better get ure ass down to school pls. :)

and li, pls skip school tomorrow so we can bf again.

jae, i dont want to go to breeks.

li. :)

2005-02-15T19:44:00.000+08:00

my day in a nutshell. :) skipped school to meet li.
hey babe i had TONS of fun today, our usual bitchfittings and being totally retarded, i swear ure so the same freq as me. :)
who else would want to buy mylittlepony with me? or who get stressed over useless things like CRAYONS OR COLOUR PENCILS hahaha crumpler or perfume.. *DILLLEEEMMAaa sheesh! you are my splurgegirl. :)
met mrs low at nydc, we told her we ended school early. -nods.

damn shagged! must be because i talked too much today.

idoido

2005-02-14T19:39:00.000+08:00

dear mom i hope my going to school today for absolutelynothing has made you happy. we had fundraising today and my class just sat at the tables cos nobody really wants to buy chocolatechipcookies covered with yoghurt. because i had to wake up at 7am i am now quite drained, i spent an additional godknowshowmuch on transportation fees. if i had stayed home i would have enjoyed my much needed sleep and i would have also saved some money. what is the point in making me go to school when it is obvious i will run out within 3 hours, which i did.

well whatever, spending the day with karen and sharon has balanced everything off. (guys i really enjoyed spending valentines with you, idoido was a pretty good movie eh? karen, it's been the longest time since we last talked so glad we could catch up today! and sharon, have a safe flight back to perth. :] )

EAT SHIT BITCH.

2005-02-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

the extent of failing every single plan of mine is getting overwhelming.
i miss those days when things would just sail by.
even if it was for the worst
i liked isolating myself from reality, running straight to bed after school, switching off my cell for days and refusing to go out with my friends because it was better to hide under the sheets in literal darkness then to step out into the light and having to pretend everything was okay having to fake all the smiles just so people would lay off and quit worrying.
so weird so sad, but so comforting.

i hate the way you put me down with everything you say.
i hate the way you have the power to make me want to cry, to make me want to do stupid things to myself all over a-fucking-gain.
i will have the last laugh, you will see me in a manner and you'd wish you paid more attention to the way you responded to circumstances.
i hate the way you have so much power over my mind that even when you do act as though you really love me, i'd still want to hurt myself.
because it's something i've been so tailored into doing all these while.
because hurting is therapeutic in some warped way.

stop pretending you know me.
you fucking dont.
dont argue that point with me.
so go eat some dirt and lay the fuck off.

i want to cry, but there are no tears.
I GIVE UP.
i dont want to play life anymore.

CNY goodies. :)

2005-02-12T21:17:00.000+08:00

maaaan talked to betty until 1 last night watched Now&Then on dvd until 3+ did some valentines day cards and mass read 3 chapters of the purpose driven life (gosh i am SOOOO behind the reading plan ACKK) until 4am+ then i finally managed to sleep!
i don't know what's it with me and awkward sleeping times i either manage to sleep really early or really late.
ANYWAY bullshitted on the phone with bets we have the same marriage theory of either marrying only a pilot or some cute american guy.
so we'll have pretty kids. -laughs-

today was one heck of a HOT but fulfiling day.
went CNY visiting at millies house then to peiens house (geez they live literally right next to each other!) hahahaha man the size of the YM is OVERWHELMING millies house is an average sized house but even some of us had to sit outside cos damn we're really growing!!
like 60-70 plus people already?!
just last year we had around only 40!
then we trooped down to darryls place OH FINALLY WITH THE PRESENCE OF AN AIRCCCCOOOONNNN. :))
aunty lucy was force feeding all of us, as usual. she's so fetch!!
the pineapple tarts at her place are the bestest! EVERYONE AGREES. GOSH it MELTS in ure mouth lah. a bunch of us just sat there and whacked all the kauylapis and pineapple tarts, me and patrick sat at the table and whacked the ENTIRE PLATE of mandarin oranges. and my brother ate like 1000000000000 pieces of chocolate. i bet if yan didnt have to go for dinner he'd whack the whole box of kuaybalooooos. :)
hahaha DARRYLS PLACE IS DA PLACE FOR FOOD.

was supposed to go to shannons place for pizza but wasnt feeling really well, think im coming down with a sorethroat thanks to all the tarts and shit.
AHHH. :(

life becomes so numb i cant feel you there

2005-02-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

why is it the same?
wherever it goes
it's always a fight.
i love you
i hate you
i want to die.
these feelings won't leave
i just want to scream
slip into the darkness
forget the past.
no more living in the moment
i cant hope for the future
walking away from the pain is not easy.
no heart
no tears
just numb.

issues

2005-02-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

new layout thanks to vanessa! http://www.blogskins.com/me.php?userid=160236
today has been shitty.
dont ask.
so shitty i had to go swim 51laps to destress and now i feel like treadmilling and throwing bricks at that asswipe.

CNY

2005-02-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

Ms. Dynamite says:
but i'm kindda okeh with pe now i guess.. hahaha
time to lose yourself within a morning star says:
how many of it u attended man
time to lose yourself within a morning star says:
ahhahaha
time to lose yourself within a morning star says:
1?
Ms. Dynamite says:
uhh
Ms. Dynamite says:
hahah!!

WELLWELL that's my dearest raihannah for you. :)
the one who is """"alright'"'" with PE and is totally psyching me into guess stuff right now..
TOTAL shopaholic, i'm so glad i met you babe!
and since we cant really do retailing now we're doing it online, yes?
im planning to auction off ..
1) ugly dark coloured stripe bag. $10
2) gross netted converse bag from p6. $5
3) barely used jansport bagpack. $38?
4) mambo bagpack. $38?
5) red fila sling. $10
6) blue nike sling. $25
7) fountains of wayne cd. (li pls hurry return) $13
8) motto jeans which i have never worn because i can no longer fit into. $45
9) damn gross op skirt. (calling all lians!) $25
10) some denim dress. never worn before. $15
and maybe some other crap..

ANYWAY BACK TO HANNAH BABE..
i love you! thank you for everything. ;) hope to see you like, SOMETIME SOON YEs? hahaha!
visiting was alright today.. $284 WHOOOOOOOOOOO.
considering i only have 4 cousins in total, this is some pretty good cash eh?
now i can buy a new bag. -laughs-
well if i manage to sell on that shit i'll get $100+ more..
not forgetting this is just the beginning of chinese new year..
sometimes, life is too good to be true.

-

2005-02-09T01:01:00.000+08:00

perpetual state of numb.
let's watch the clock tick,
let's watch our lives pass us by.

and maybe 50 years down the road,
we'll be laughing and thinking how ridiculous it all was back then.
how it was just one of those phases,
except, not quite.

how do you explain the unexplainable?
research and facts cant give us an answer as to how this all orginated
has your life been tuned to only one channel?

you are the worlds greatest actress.
nobody sees you behind the facade.
nobody believes you when you let your guard now.

so you would come

2005-02-07T19:53:00.000+08:00

skipped school again today, had a much more enriching time at kuochuan sec school, went down to look-see what really goes on during a chapel service. pastor philip preached a very simple-pleasant sermon. and he reminded us of the lyrics to this song,

"before the world began
you were on His mind
and every tear you've cried
is precious in His eyes
because of His great love, He gave his only son,
and everything was done, so you would come.

nothing you can do, can make Him love you more
and nothing that you've done, can make Him close the door
because of His great love, He gave his only son,
and everything was done, so you would come.

come to the Father, though your gift is small
broken hearts, broken lives, He will take them all
the power of the word, the power of His love,
and everything was done, so you would come."

compelling love of Christ.

2005-02-06T23:25:00.000+08:00

but Your love for me is so great,
that is why
i am giving You my life.
-
patricks sermon was incredible, the story bit spoke to me alot.
it was about some girl named mindy who had brain tumour and she wished every other kid had cancer so they wouldnt get too caught up in their everyday lives and they would really make God their everything instead of Him just being a fragment of our lives.

would you believe me if i said if you were to just lay down yourself, life would have a far greater meaning, and that you would really be moulded into your intended purpose?

from today onwards, i want to be compelled by God,

come rest your soul.

2005-02-06T01:47:00.000+08:00

"Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air." - 1Corinthians9:25-26

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." - Isaiah 43:2

what ever happened to me dying to self
denying my own ways
laying down my desires
giving up my desires

why am i trying to save my own life,
knowing that i am only losing it.

2005-02-04T20:53:00.000+08:00

http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeCM3Lhw0aNH8w&notag=1

ponned sch ytd.
went to darryls house.
went to school today.
ponned history, unintentionally.
was too caught up laughing over spermbanks american pie milf and scarymovie.
we're gonna organize our own movie marathon and watch scarymovie until we die laughing.
towned wtih hannah et pk ern chris and gobi.
funky bunch they are.

2005-02-03T01:01:00.000+08:00

SCANDALOUS ; says:
i mean.. i really love my friend lah
SCANDALOUS ; says:
she do this kind of thing
SCANDALOUS ; says:
very sad. it hurts.
SCANDALOUS ; says::
you know?
SCANDALOUS ; says:
argh!
nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
and that's how you ,make me feel sometimes...

i really never meant to hurt anybody.
sorry betty sorry josh sorry darryl.
and to whoever who got hurt along the process of me trying to hurt myself
i'm sorry too.

2005-02-02T17:28:00.000+08:00

XIIN DID I READ CORRECTLY? YOURE COMING BACK? WHENNNNNNNNNN?????
tell me on my guestbook or something ure tag aint working.

you say it best, when you say nothing at all.

2005-02-02T01:22:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
without saying a word, you can light up the dark
try as i may, i can never explain
what i hear when you don't say a thing
-

went back at 130 today because lit was boring.
tuesdays suck.
what is up with double PE and double break and triple literature.
met up with ernest and christian and his classmates at ndyc while waiting for li.
went off to meet li and got sooo saddened by the non-exciting ranges at topshop and forever21.
was hoping to get a pullover but there wasnt even a single nice one.
(hey li, thanks for today, don't worry about the whole spotlight-sudden-blurp thing, its ok!)
its so fun verbal-diarrhoeaing with li. :D hahaha OMGOMG BF BF BIIITCHHHH FITTTTTTTT!
soo anyway, met the cell group for dinner at pasta mania. (yes, ugh, again)
yan couldnt come for a couple of last minute reasons.:(
but the company was gooood.
thank youuu betty, for the dinner!
-

when i revealed to you my stains which passed along with time
i never meant for you to get moulded into this scar.
i never meant for you to take it this seriously
you may think i'm being over paranoid
but maybe as a friend, i just want to protect you.
this little harmless thing can turn into something you find you will no longer be able to control.
and then, who will there be to blame except..
yourself.
but the irony is,
this is my motivation.
while at other times,
it is not.
every step you take,
ever denial and rejection made,
pushes me over the brink.
makes me want to crawl back
into what i made out to be heaven.
but sometimes i do it for the sake of not wanting to succumb to all these..
expectations.
pressure.
acceptance.
but at the end of the day, you know it just drives me into wanting to go back to the past.

somebody told me you had a boyfriend

2005-01-31T23:10:00.000+08:00

today was ROCKIN'. ;)
HAPPY FAGGOTY 17TH CHRISTIAN aka FUZZYWUZZY!!

school was boring but the aftermath of a very boring day at school equates to tons of fun!
went to town with hannah eteng ernest christian and goby.
gobys one of the coolest indians i have ever met, no shit man this guy is also a national track triple jumper, no wonder he's so close to sondra!
on board the bus we were commenting about the way singaporeans speak,
"excue me ah, can upsai my cock?"
(excuse me, can you upsize my coke)
and the way my gp teacher goes "WATA VAPOUR"
and how mr azlan goes "musle here ah musle there" instead of muscle.

lunched at pasta mania and as usual the guys were talking about guy stuff.
tits balls porn sex spermbank whatever.. you name it.
and yes, MILF.

hahahah christian takes so freaking azzz long to complete his meal
DAMN funny!
cos he took like 10 minutes in the toilet so before he got back we were all prediciting that he'll take at least an hour to finish his pasta. (cos that time he took like 45 minutes to finish his chicken pie, at nibbbbbbling pace)

so it was like,
-christian goes into prayer-
ernest : "okay this will take up 5 minutes"
-christian is done with prayer, picks up cell to answer call-
goby : "lets time this, i bet this will atke 20 minutes"
-christian hangs up and goes for another round of prayer-
ernest : "ok not bad about 1 minute plus"
-christian nibbbles into his garlic bread-
goby : "WOW ure done with ure first slice!!"

ahhaha omg it was quite funny its a YOU HAVE TO BE THERE kind of thing.
met row rui fel and don after that and all of us walked around the wholleee of orchard.
my legs are totally jelly now.
wellll whcih gives me a valid reason for skipping PE tmr.

i will never

2005-01-30T15:25:00.000+08:00

i will never be the same again

i can never return, i've close the door

i will walk apart, i'll run the race

and i will never be the same again.

fall like fire, soak like rain

flow like mighty waters, again and again

sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff

and let a flame burn, to glorify Your name.

2005-01-30T01:50:00.000+08:00

i feel there's something wrong but i can't put my finger onto what exactly it is.
i suppose i do feel afterall since i know for a fact that as the days pass i solidify along with time.
so what do i exactly mean when i say that i feel so numb so indifferent and so detached?
perhaps my heart is already intuned, and is only capable of feeling these emotions.

what is the cry of my heart?
what is the cry of my heart?
WHAT IS THE CRY OF MY HEART?

i dont even know.

who am i going to live for?
myself or God?

-

2005-01-28T18:37:00.000+08:00

my ezlink is going bust. 10bucks top up yesterday and im down to 3.
HOW CAN IT BE?
our chinese teacher is DAMN pro, saw right through EVERY single one of ernests plans.
talk about, JACKED. haha
so ariel crashed today, and before 1 minute was up he got chased out of the class.

bitchfitted during break with the usual snobs. yes, we're such snobs.
haahhaah, christian was frikkkkin mean i tell you like purposely talking to this damn fag guy just to prove his point. jeeez.
neighbourhood school aroma. what-EVERRRR.

history was boring, mr tsunami hair sure wins best quotes of the day hands down.
half the class was already sleeping and he was like, "i hope i am not boring you."
haahah RIGHT ARIEL?? gosh.

"do you have a built in amplifier?"
"this is ecstasy. it is meant to accelerate your path to heaven."
...

oh and if you thought angie tan was fast you havent met dearest sondra. who completes her 2.4 in 8mins+.

sooo anywayyy econs lecture was boring met this FREAKING rude marist guy.
omg ffff you what is your problem anyway.

towned with hannah ernest and ariel
then hannah left
then ernest left for his biggrandlunch with his aunt.
oh, SNOB.
hahaha so i called jae down and we walked around plaza and ate and ate and ate

what an unproductive day!

reason i live

2005-01-27T22:57:00.000+08:00

okay from now on i shall try to stop toying with my intestines.
my stomach hurts alot, shit.
i have to remember that this cannot become a daily affair, and that the dosage is pretty powerful.
-
that aside, today was probably the funnest day in school.
cocked around so much, especially during break!! a massive exchange of racist and blonde jokes between me et hannah row sondra and ernest.
FRIKKKKKIN FUNNNNY.
the indian-high-pitchedvoice-shark-joke, WELCOME TO INDIAN AIRLINES and the blonde-track-death-count joke. hahahahaah sondra was so cute man she was like, HUH i dont GET IT?!
she doesnt get all the lame jokes, the FUZZYWUZZY, mrt game, MEHMEH, SONDRA magic!!
ahahha think she trains too much man her brains are probably fried.
i mean who the heckkkkk enjoys being a national tracker in some junior team and she has to train every bleeding day for 3 hours with the exception of sunday! that's sad man!!

yesyes so now christian is mr FUZZYWUZZY and we're all gonna get him a gstring for his birthday he's having a party at sentosa this sat dammmmit i dont think i can go! shit.

caught shallwedance with et and hannah after school row fuzzywuzzy ernest and sondra was supposed to come, we've decided that we shall have our own self declared """'"class'"'" outings since we're the only people with the SAME FREQUENCY.
gosh the rest are just abnormal.
i mean whose defination fo town is at causeway point?
or northpoint?
i mean, WHAT is northpoint?!

the show was sad, but the ending salvaged it.
i was abouta swear off all Jlo movies.
yeah hannah hahaha stuff ourselves silly with EVERLASTING popcorn & cheese nachos. ;) yummmy.

then we met ernest and fellow counterpart!
we were like, yeah have fun in RJ man!!
hahahhaha so ASHAMED!!
went to like every shop.

my stomach hurts like shit so im gonna stop.

unwritten

2005-01-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
ya man... i have no idea why ppl want to be moms and babysitters.... beyond me...
nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
why would anyone want kids?

my sentiments, EXACTLY.

70minutesermon

2005-01-26T01:26:00.000+08:00

wowwwww just got off the phone with darryl
i sat through a 70+minute sermon man!!
this surpasses my usual capabilities of barely managing pastor philips 30+minute sermons during service.
but whether i was fully paying attention to what darryl had to say is a whole different story.

i wonder why he never gets sick of my shit.
everytime we talk i end up throwing the same old story at him.
and the best part is i think he's just like betty, he can totally read my mind.
stuff about me not REALLY confronting my issues despite how i always tell them i am.
blatantly, i am not.
and it's so amazing that he never fails to be encouraging, DAMN encouraging as a matter of fact, just a littleee draggy.
but hey.
it is God sent people like this which makes life less shitty.

history maker

2005-01-25T18:57:00.000+08:00

discovered another cavity in another tooth.
great. the stinging pain is really.. stinging.
skipped school today because i wanted to sleep in late.
for the first time in my 16 years of existence i decided to try yongtaufu out of sheer boredom since i had already read most of my econs notes, which is really the last thing i would ever do. so imagine my extent of boredom.
hahaha yes alvin if youre reading this, here's to you.
I ATE TAUPOK! SOMETHING LOCAL!!
something aside from pasta and bread. :) gosh i am so proud of myself!
actually i dont understand the whole deal with other people and me always eating pasta come on it's not as if i eat pasta 24/7 haha jeez.
that day ivan was like, "omg, RARE SIGHT. sam's eating blachan!" (however you spell it)
oh well.

-

2005-01-25T14:21:00.000+08:00

king of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breathe

i'll bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
it's not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

i'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You
it's all about You, Jesus.
i'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it
when it's all about You
it's all about You, Jesus.

shewearsjuicy

2005-01-24T18:22:00.000+08:00

school was as usual, pretty pointless but fun today. :)
joywhore caught me for my hair but she totally bought my i-swim-alot story.
which is partially true. -nods.
hannah and eeteng came in after the spotcheck, asses!!
i shouldve slept in till 9, since econs lecture was sucha waste of time.

declared a break during lit because a bunch of us couldnt locate the class, so ended up fagging around with class10. with christian and ernest acting gay and all of us semi bitch fitting about weird people ESP some girl who totally rubs people the wrong way cos of the eye contact she gives, fffRrrreakYYY.

then we had econs tutorials which really activated my brain because i finally get something!!
so prouda myself (hahha arent you SO proud of me li?)
i understand the ppc graph, well, bits of it. ;)
gp was freaking boring.
so was history. hahaha mr 3-tsunami-hair-blur-guy.

psalms

2005-01-23T18:18:00.000+08:00

"some wondered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. they were hungry and thirsty and their lives ebbed away. then, they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress." -psalm 107 : 4-6

"He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains." - v14

"He sent forth His word and healed them, He rescued them from the grave." - v20

i'm so glad i did my quiet time last night after whoknowshowmanydaysofnotdoingit.

but despite doing it, i feel nothing has changed at all
why is it i dont seem to understand how much God loves me
maybe its because He loves everybody and theres about 912931231923912830192312zillion people on this planet.
but of course the depth of love He has lavished is something no mind can ever fathom.

i miss those days when i would just cry out to him
talk to him
spend time with him
really worship him

i cant let go of all this .. shit.
because i mean, it is me.
it defines me.
i have my ____ therefore i still have my ________ therefore i still am.

i dont really understand the whole thing.
when they say He is either Lord of all, or none at all...
its funny cos i mean EVERYBODY has issues they still hold on to, unsurrendered issues.
and at that very present moment Lord is none at all because, simply bECAUSE we hold on to those issues.
and every time frame in our lives we will always cling on to soemthing we shouldnt be, so wouldnt God be none at all?
i mean dont talk about how you slowly will your way through surrendering, its still a process, and even if it ever reaches completion some other issues will bound to crop up.

shouldnt think so much.
should just reflect on His word and accept it because it is truth.

the local god

2005-01-21T15:15:00.000+08:00

gave school (another) miss yesterday met li at the club headed for nyps open house met ernest and his friend cocked around and didnt really check out any courses bitchfitted with them for awhile, left for home went to bk for eieio (evangelism invitation outreach !!) meeting, thought of catchy stuff to say to the target audience for this street-evangelism thingy.
"hey, your HOT. can i have your number?" -LAUGHS
went back to catch AM4 but crashed halfway even mark mcgraw wasnt hot enough to keep me awake.
went swimming in the morn came back cos the sun was just too damn hot, slept awhile and i think im late im supposed to meet jae like prettty soon but i feel a massive diarhhoea coming up, just like the one last night! oh man that was nasty, but nice.

yes, oops. i did it again.
shit, i think im addicted.
i better return those uhh ______ to jael.

dinner later ! was supposed to be for sam&josh but josh is sick.
(haha hey, dont feel bad about it. ACTUALLY YOU SHOULD. jk)

i feel quite happy for once.
maybe its a facade because deep down inside i know im not happy.
because im still stuck in this rut
and i think i made myself stuck-ER because i managed to control.
but you see this control is not a good thing.
it is actually quite damaging and i know it but i just decide to ignore it.

well whatever.

jude
REPLY MY LETTER OKAY? have a blast in sydney i know you will. ;)

my blogging is so incoherent.
i need a new blog template
(jawn and jeremy, WATCH ME DO THIS BY MYSELF !!)

truth is

2005-01-20T01:44:00.000+08:00

why child, do you still cling on to it.
let it go.
let me.

JOYYYYYYYYYYYYY to the world !!

2005-01-19T20:14:00.000+08:00

i see so many others in the same situation, and i find myself telling them that they have to change.
i wonder why i dont apply that to myself.
-
school was quite a blast today, we learnt nothing !!
but jael soong and ernest really made another boring day FUNKKKY.
started out in the morn with the whole TURBANIZOR shit
do you want to get TURBANIZED? AHHAHAHAH
played 30minuteBINGOBINGO during hist lec
made fun of joytan, i mean as ernest puts it, joywhOre/joysLut/joyIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDIOT
seriously during home tutor contact time all 4 of us were laughing like ASSSSSWIPES.
christian and ernest wore pinafores!
epitome of FAG.
they did it after school right at the foyer, for the world to see!
such stupid random entries. -laughs-
josh is back im so fffreaking happy! :D :D :D
im ponning school tomorrow to meet li ! :D
jael if ure reading this i'll return ure stuff on mon !
eteng if ure reading this i'll give ub ack ure money on mon!
hannah if ure reading this THANKS FOR PIGGING OUT WITH ME TODAY. :D
oh yeah i pierced another ear hole, cos i was pissed wtih my mom.
ok gonna call josh now!
shit this sounds too bimbotic.

-

2005-01-18T20:22:00.000+08:00

im losing myself.
i look upon those days, marked with joy but all in pain.
i felt so secure, in my own damaging.
so happy, because of my own dis-integrating.
everything just used to be so easy, i was so good at it. as the psych puts it.
so good till the point where everything just went downwards
and when you thought u reached the bottom you could only go up but you were wrong.
i was wrong.
and at the point of my extreme desperation i wanted so badly to head back up again, but at the same time walk down the wrong path intentionally because it was the only source of joy.

3 hour long cries into the night
pillow stained with tears
but every moment of it felt so good.

but its all fucking gone now.
i suppose its for the better.
i cant tell the psych this.
addressing the root of the problem aint gonna help.
its something too complex and fragile to be dealt with.
and i dont want to deal with it.
yesterdays going to the appt was just to make myself feel better for knowing that I WILL NEVER GO FOR THE COUNSELLING SESSION WITH MY MOM.
but it was because God wanted me to go, and it was obedience.
maybe it was both, i cant draw the line.
at one point it was to make myself feel better
at the other i really wanted to obey.

until the time is through

2005-01-18T19:42:00.000+08:00

bloooody hell my tooth is still veryveryVERY painful.
anyway.
probably the fifth day i actually stayed one full day in school today.
first thing in the morn got bitched at by joytan it was like me jael and aud went into class and she was like FUMING away asking us why we were so late.
so i told her there was a human traffic jam at the lec theatre so it was harrrd to move and she's like i dont care go find them i need to announce something i want them here in 30seconds now!
and i was like, i REALLY DONT KNOW WHERE THEY ARE???
and she's like, well GO FIND THEM?
-SLAPS HER.
then she went on and on about how remarkable some of our attendance rates were and how MI wasnt a hotel and we cant check in and out as and when we want to.
-laughs-
okay like ernest said, WHY CANNNNNOOOOOOOT.
pls. MI is pretty fucked except for the people i mean which "jc" (so to speak) doesnt have a track so during PE we run around the school whcih has like a chao frikkkkin ALOT of staircases?! whats up with that man!!
speaking of PE we had double PE today which was so NOT FETCH.
we ran around the hall dont know how many times, did the stupid circuit training, ran around the school up and down the stairs then we played soccer and had to wear the smelly bibs whcih the guys were using before and god it stank alright.
talked cocked during double break, drew up this cross dressing plan!!
too bad christianBUTCATHOLIC cant cross dress even tho he wants to but cannt cos he's class rep and has to set an EXAMPLE. haha SUCKS.
and ernest dsnt want to do it alone.
and jeremy wont admit that he's DYYYYYING TO WEAR A PINAFORE. (jeremy if ure reading this commmmeee on admiTTT IT MAN!!)
hahah joytan would sooooo give us a bitching if we were to cross dress man. so NOT FETCH. :)

shit. i have got to stop this fetch thing.
it's all nicks fault.

hey mr dj put a record on

2005-01-17T17:40:00.000+08:00

so today i went to the place the psych referred me to.
the doctor who was supposed to see me was DAMN FRIKKIN CUTE.
but in the end the lady doctor was like, are you samantha ? do you want to see me instead ?

anyyyything.
went through massive Q&A.
same shit again.
she booked an open date appointment for me..
meaning a follow up aint gonna happen !!

actually, everything she had to tell me i already knew.
it's just the application bit.
-

met jael today ! DAMN pro at designing. :)
we have quick alot in common !! haha she's also in some ycom thingy in her church of which is pastored by both her parents, she likes shoppping and designing, she loves running out of school! hahahahah perrfect !!
double PE tmr. -groans
(jasmine seems like ure monday-double-pe-blocks are RAINY DAYS!!)
triple history block on wed. -DIESSSSSSSS
history is already like the epitome of boredom
talk about history x 3

and my heart will follow wholly after you.

2005-01-16T19:36:00.000+08:00

"1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. " - romans 12 : 1-2

this verse just keeps on popping up.. its such an obvious sign to all that i should START doing and all that i should STOP doing.
and because of this, i have decided to just go for the freaking psych appointment tomorrow, it was a hard decision to make.. going for each subsequent appointment immediately makes me more vulnerable, and more subjectable to change.
and with this change comes a follow up, so it's a FORCEFUL kind of change.
because if i dont change, it'll be follow up 24/7 which is really the last thing i want.

but i am going to cling on the Gods promise in jeremiah 29:11,
"11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

and stop trying to live life the way i want it, by my own strength.
because this life isnt about me.

pastor philips sermon really spoke to me today, many times i find myself asking God to give me that capacity to love him more, i find myself asking why i dont feel him, why i dont seem to love him with the depth of love i should.
most people would think this unability to love God with all our being is the problem with our relationship

but the problem really is,
we don't understand how much God loves us.
-
huixian : hey dont tag on the comments thing it doesnt even work on my com !! took me about FOREVER to load that page just to read ure comment, i've got a guestbook. :) drop me your email or something !!

joshjoshjosh,
this is for you.
im sorry i didnt invest time into settling all the tension that was between us.
i finally realized that.. life isnt the same when ure in NS.
and im realllly misssssssssssingggggggggg you !
and sam !
but you more !!

i can hardly break free

2005-01-16T01:58:00.000+08:00

so you think its me.
well, think again.
maybe what i have to say is on the behalf of at least 3 people who are strongly objecting against the actions you execute.
not mentioning the people who are just against it,
dont talk about strongly against it.

if this aint dropping a hint i dont know what is.

crash world

2005-01-15T21:33:00.000+08:00

today we kicked start the first session of 40daysofpurpose.
it went pretty ok i suppose, though my group kinda came up with identical answers.. can't really blame them i came up with them too.
aunty genin baked quiche brownie and ordered pizza !! such first class refreshments for ym. :)

anyway, this is a sign that i am probably meant to go for mondays appointment.
i called up SGH only to realize their office hours were over !
and they dont operate on sundays !

unless i cancel it on monday, ARRRGHHHHHHH so irritating i wish i could talk to josh about this since betty doesnt really seem to bother about the whole im gonna cancel it thing, maybe she gave up on me already !
cant blame her i've been stuck in the same rut for as long as i could remember.

oh, whatever.
seriously.
IT'S TIME FOR DAILY DOSE OF BIMBOTIC-NESS
SIMPLE LIFE 2 ! *giggles*
so fetch !! (OMG nicholas has influenced me)
and huiyi if you're reading this, HIII stop crashing MI it's BORING !

accidentally beautiful

2005-01-14T18:50:00.000+08:00

to every action there is a consequence
and the only way to resolve it is to take action.

this calls for drastic measures.
-

anyway, school was boring today.
everyone applaud me for staying one full day!
even though the thought of running out has crossed my mind about 3 times today.
spoke english throughout the entire chinese lesson, dozed off during mass econs lecture omg even alex understood what the graph shite was all about. -dies-
lit was sheer boredom, thank god the teacher was 30minutes late.

went back to sc, mrs low and mrs chan werent around. :(
omg the school has changed so much! the new sports complex is almost up, theres new cca rooms with glassy doors (so pretty !)
omggg i miss sc. :(

-

2005-01-13T23:37:00.000+08:00

you left a stain
on every one of my good days.

kill myself inside out

2005-01-13T16:36:00.000+08:00

i dont get the theory behind why students are not allowed to leave the school campus until after 130.
our lessons end at 12 dammit, how do you expect us to kill 1.5hours.

so of course, we just ran out the front gate again.
i think all together it mustve been near 20 of us.

we're getting too good for the turbanator, try guarding the front in future !
-

well the vice principal caught me for my streaked hair, so now my hairs black. ew.

go away

2005-01-12T22:18:00.000+08:00

gave school a miss today..
met li, then donna, and spent the day with them. (:
(donna, if ure reading this, keep your chin up girl !! like i said, you da fiiiighter !! )

apparently my home group ends at 12 tomorrow, which makes me really question whether i ought to go to school.
i think i might get bored since im in such a loser class with no same frequency people.
no more hannah or yiting or nich or jeremy or alex or yiwei or elizabeth.
not that im close to them but theyre quite a rockin bunch, definitely win hands down as compared to loser class.

people who go..
"HI im andrew. im from ac barker. -gives the poser 2 fingers up jappy style hand sign-
i'm from scouts -jappy style hand sign- and i'm also the head librarian -insert jappy hand style again-"

firstly, the jappy style hand sign has to go.
secondly, i wouldnt mention my position as head librarian. ASHAMED, i would be.
-

alot of things have been bugging me.
i feel as if i wear many layers, and this confuses me alot.
because now i dont really know how i feel.
it's a perpetual state of numbness, or i could be deluding myself into thinking that i am numbed.
everyday goes by identical to the previous and the next.

i miss josh alot.
what the fuck.
its actually true when they say you dont appreciate people until they're gone.

nicholas says..

2005-01-11T23:04:00.000+08:00

I DUNO I REALLY DUNO! says:
haha NO idea man. but yeah, gna just go for econs. it's like so fetch!
I DUNO I REALLY DUNO! says:
hahah you knw his turban got some string thing hahaha
econs is like, so fetch !! says:
yeah at his chin there right
econs is like, so fetch !! says:
im quite amused by it
econs is like, so fetch !! says:
it looks like some kind of gstring
econs is like, so fetch !! says:
-LAUGHS
I DUNO I REALLY DUNO! says:
BWAHAHAHAH now tht's funny la. esp when it really ties in with the hair. i mean, beard.
I DUNO I REALLY DUNO! says:
hahahahaha
econs is like, so fetch !! says:
actually what is it for
econs is like, so fetch !! says:
i thought u just wear the turban.
I DUNO I REALLY DUNO! says:
i thk he mistook his turban for a helmet
econs is like, so fetch !! says:
i dunno sia. this morning i kept on looking at the string thing..
I DUNO I REALLY DUNO! says:
hahah! yeah ive been looking. he's this really funny aura around him. just so weird.

i've waited all my life, to cross this line

2005-01-11T10:28:00.000+08:00

-yawn
history lecture was boring beyond words.
it's getting a lil' competitive here in MI, in terms of seating arrangement.
everyone scrambles to sit right next to the door, for easy crawling out in the midst of extremely boring lectures by extremely boring lecturers.

so anyway, alex nicholas elizabeth yiwei and i ran out the front gate, thank god mr turbanator didnt catch us.
oh, the irony of making morning annoucements especially when it concerns NO LEAVING SCHOOL UNOFICIALLY.

so i'm at home rotting away.. it's only 1030am now.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

i wonder if li has gotten per to pick the locks of yj.

ok. need to sleep.

delusions

2005-01-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

i used to make myself sick so very often just to ease the emotional turmoil.
to experience the joy in the pain.
but i think right now it's more of a pain in the joy kind of thing..
and soon it will be once again joy in the pain.

i have decided that maybe i would delude myself into thinking that there is a necessary need for all this after all.
but then again everybody questions my definations of normal, so trying to do such an ordinary thing wouldnt be normal, because in my circumstance anybody would tell me it is abnormal.
or am i deluding myself into thinking that there actually is a need to do all this when infact there isnt.
i am a deluded person, almost in a dream, and this dream of me being deluded is deluding me.

and as x number of people have put it, i am running away from the root of it.

it's just a matter of how much i care right now.
i dont want sundays to be a spiritual high and i leave everything at Gods altar then take it back from mon-sat.

okay.
whatever.
in conclusion i think there is a need to be met after all.
and it will.
i will rectify it.
alter it.
and make myself happy.

but then again, it isn't all about me.

mass lecture fun !!

2005-01-10T14:28:00.000+08:00

today was damn fun !!
didnt mix with the cedar bunch because hannah and yiting went back to their sch with the other 10 cedar girls who crashed.
soooo i sat with jeremy and mixed with the HAVOC BUNCH.
met yiwei aka taitai, $300 bag, gucci shades ETC, alex the hottie whom apparently this damn ugly girl marilyn is crushing on, nicolas AND elizabeth! we're all heading down to gardens later on.
so anyway, we didnt really attend lectures today since we spent half our time in another room and the thinking cove sianing away there.
it was soo funny cos jeremy opened the lecture door halfway during the lecture and he wanted to crawl in but then the whole lecture turned around and starrred at him! -laughs-
STUPID NOISY LECTURE HALL DOOR.
so taitai eliz and i didnt dare go in already so we were desssperately trying to make eye contact with nicholas who was sitting just by the door cos we got bored of waiting in the bloody stuffy room.
so he slipped a piece of paper underneath the door and said
"the teacher is damn pissed now
do not come in now"

so it was like.. uhhh ohhh.
ahhahahha but what the heck we just crawled in after that!
my home tutor group SUCKS. oh but nvmm. :)

all other ground is sinking sand

2005-01-09T23:28:00.000+08:00

myboyfriendhassexylips says:
i told jenni u say can cancel
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
kindaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
i did?
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
yar
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
u told me!
nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
since when?
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
THAT day itself!
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
u were like.. ok loh that one u want to cancel can
nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
no... i said i'm more concerned abt the counselling one....
nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
go lah...
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
oh.
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
well people read things the wronjg way!
nuttybat! *fWaP* says:
ya rt... they tend to read things the way they want to...
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
hmmm but honestly i dont think i need to go for it
myboyfriendhassexylips says:
its wasting my money. rather donate to tsunami
-

once again, she's right !

my very present help in times of need

2005-01-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

too much media numbs the soul.
i suppose it is only when we do let it numb our souls.
if you really feel for something, that feeling cannot just vanish.

i realized how selfish i have been by not bothering about the entire tsunami thing, and even agreeing with sandras post and a couple of msn nics about how the tsunami is all about population control, or how the media should give it a rest, or how if this donation does not stop the victims will be driving mercedes cars and living in mansions.

i take back what i told paul this very afternoon, about how i was getting annoyed because this whole tsunami incident was hogging the headlines.

but today, God showed me to view this circumstance in a different light.
sometimes it takes a real disaster to fan into flame that fire of compassion, to really want to reach out and be able to help a person in need.
i wish it wasn't so. because there is no need for a disaster to occur before compassion fills the very depths of ones heart.
IT SHOULD BE AUTOMATIC.

sigh. i feel so sad for her. its like i just MET her i dont even KNOW her but thinking about it and thinking about how strong she's been really sparks off alot.
so much to think about the way i've reacted
so much to think about the way i've taken things for granted
so much to think about the way i've been so selfish

what if..
what if one of your parents died a long time ago
and on top of that
what if one of your parents went missing in the tsunami ?

what would you do?
how would you react?

it's so hard to believe that God has planned all these. that in a the long run, what has happened will rise above the consequences man has made it out to be.
so hard to believe that what has happened, has only took its course for a greater purpose.
so hard to even imagine that thousands were killed for a greater purpose.

argh.

2005-01-07T23:19:00.000+08:00

just got back from bandprac with yihui (if ure reading this, good job on the leading despite everyones exhaustion babe!), jawn alvin lenard and fanching.

sherman, no prizes for guessing what happened.
think similarity-bcf.
grr.
(ok inside joke)

what a tiring night. 8 songs and my throat is going going...
gone.

direction

2005-01-07T15:34:00.000+08:00

"contrary to what many popular books, movies and seminars tell you, you won't discover your life's meaning by lookin within yourself. you'be probably tried that already. you didnt create yourself, so there is no way you can tell yourself what you were created for ! if i handed you an invention you had never seen before, you wouldnt know its purpose, and the invention itself wouldnt be able to tell you either. only the creator of the owners manual could reveal its purpose."

-the purpose driven life, rick warren.

musings

2005-01-06T20:21:00.000+08:00

i give up.
ensuring the archives show up is more challenging than i thought.
hence i am using a custom made layout.
i just cannot read html, just like how i could not read a single thing during chinese lecture today and jeremy had to translate everything for me.
yes, ASHAMED.

had mass lectures throughout the day, talked to jeremy about .. religion and everything under the sun.
it's been one heck of a long time since i had such an honest conversation, it feels uplifting !

but anyway.
my throat is on the verge of dying, there goes the band prac tomorrow.
and you know satan is getting abit obvious because somehow whenever darryl is supposed to lead worship he'll ALWAYS end up with a sorethroat !

speaking of darryl, me and shirlyn had a very juiiiiicy convo between _________ (insert sentences here)
-cough-

pole dancing at millennia

2005-01-05T20:39:00.000+08:00

ugggh my earhole is damn itchy !!
anyway today was pretty fun..
kinda slept through the discipline talk.. oops.
the games were more, interesting so managed to tahan the entire duration.
plus the OGLS pole danced man! yeah around the basketball pole thingy.
rui got blacklisted because the ogl found out she didnt remain in her og since like day 1 so she got warned and checked on every half an hour!
so me hannah and eteng declared our own 1.5hour long lunchbreak, which got boring after awhile cos it seemed as though we were the onyl ones who sneaked outta mass dance, aside from those 5 VS guys who went into hiding some place else.
those guys are damn pro, they seem to know each and every single exit, which are the locked ones and which are the ones with leaders stationed at the gates. -laughs
so after contact time all 8 of us strollllled out from the basketball gate.
felicia accompanied me to mount E to get some stuff which my mom wanted..
met soong&steff, walkkked arounddddddddd. bought a tube, it was at 70% discount!

and yes steff, soong is so gonna make salsa a religion!!

me&soong @ forever21

now with steff ! -gASPS

me&felicia&rowena

me&eteng LONG LEGS MAN!!!!

hannah @ topshop being bimbotic

yes so lessons start tomorrow.. FINALLY everythigns gonna settle down and all of us can just rot away in our seats doing what we always do throughout sec school../ instead of running about doing this and that. i dont really like orientation its messy.. .

the usual routine

2005-01-04T23:25:00.000+08:00

ack help i cant see my archives, anybody know the html for this?

anyway bummed around orchard with hannah&yiting, pierced another earhole out of sheer boredom, went into almost every store, bought nothing except some bangles and earrings.

i guess tmr will be the same
me and hannah will be listening to music at the back of the gym
then we will start plotting when to sneak out with the rui and felicia.

okay, rockin.
(li, wanna crash ? gimme a call if u want to i think MI's more fun than yj)

death by shopping

2005-01-04T13:07:00.000+08:00

snuck outta school, was on official early leave.. sorta.
managed to sneak rui&felicia outta school too.. too bad they were stuck with hannah+hannahsfriends bag at the bus stop and since they couldnt contact them they had to walk back to the campus to give it back!
so they're back at square one..
SIGH you guys!
anyway met tits in the campus, that guys grown so tall now!
also, thank you VS guys for helping us sign our attendance and telling us the safest exit route.
things are starting to perk up!

me&hannah !

the plate of sushi during our kayaking trip. just that it started pouring so we started buffet-ing at sakae.
and no, i did not contribute to this massive amount of sushi.

2005fusion

2005-01-03T15:57:00.000+08:00

so my first day at milennia institute was pretty alright.. not overjoyed to be there but i think it beats going to yj or pj. (haha sorrry li! the name just sounds funnny)
anyway, i dont like mi i just like the people there! who so far, have been pretty rockin'. :)
met this cedar girl, hannah and 3pl girls
we planned this mass sneak out session but all of us got busted.
cant believe og leaders were smart enough to station themselves at the various exits.
it was so embarasssssing the og leader was like, "uhhhm where are you guys going?" and me and hannah were like "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nowhere." HAHAHA righto.

i guess the mi legend of people havoc-king and sneaking out lives on.
applying for subject combi think im gonna take econs hist and lit. UGHHHHH. :( but i have nothing else to chooose.
anyway soong tell me when you wanna crash rj and acj!

increase in You decrease in me

2005-01-02T22:43:00.000+08:00

i remembered telling vincent last night to wear the 40DOP shirt for ushering today.. turns out I FORGOT TO WEAR THE SHIRT ! haha what a dumbassss. :(
anyway, todays sunday service was not quite the usual.. had a pre launch video of 40DaysOfPurpose, which was really inspiring i really dreaded playing for mandarin service cuz i had to leave halfway.. what ever happened to serving with joy man?
butBUT yes! i really feel MOTIVATED to fix my priorities, start a brand new year by putting God up where He should belong!! suddenly there's an influx of christian books, 40DOP, facedown, new devotional material, THE BOOK PASTOR PHILIP ASKED ME TO READ SINCE LIKE FOREVER, and i dont know what else man.
which is cool i guess at least i have something worthy of my time to read.

after service, we badened. (inside joke)
UNCLE pat drove all of us down to heartland mall and we just basically stoned our day off in BK freezing away cos the weather was soooo chilly. also took a couple of neos out of sheer boredom!

2004cellgroup. me betty enlin tricia shirlyn + missing janice

the people i badened with today ! me jiayan meris brina cherylWEEWEE evan patrick
(here cheryl, you can take the VVVVVVVVVV blur scanned version of the neos)

badened at bk and talked about cults.

i remember admiring those angmoh elders onboard the mrt at newton station, i saw them evangelize, sharing the gospel to normal everyday passangers on the train.
i rememer admiring them for their courage, the kind of faith they had, the God says Go dont so No attitude.

or so i thought.

turns out they're actually a cult!
JIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
patrick read their articles and he said it's total bull.

i guess that saddened me for awhile, cos its like, my motivation came from the wrong source.
which is like how im living life off a wrong source --- myself, when it should really be all about God.

anyway. school starts tomorrow.
ian was like
"wah so exciting! SHIT my school starts next week damn that's sad!"

okKKKKKKKay ian. cut it!
hahaha.

and darryl might be going to indonesia cos the army might be posting him there.
ji!
noOooooooooooooooo !

vision casting !

2005-01-02T01:49:00.000+08:00

caniknowyoubetter? says:
i think you need to settle your own issues
caniknowyoubetter? says:
you want to sit down and list them out tog?
caniknowyoubetter? says:
we could use a huge mahjong paper
caniknowyoubetter? says:
and list them out

damn. darryls right.
and so is pastor jenni.
and betty.

this is a mental note to myself to not sleep at 6am ever again.
eyes are about to pop outta its sockets.. not a pretty sight if you ask me.

anwww today was vision casting.
THANKYOUTHANKYOU God for letting me retrieve my slides was just about to die of heart attack when it was 230 and i had to BE AT THE WHOLE VISION CASTING RUN THROUGH at 230 and my com totally hung on me. damn jiiiiiiiiii.
plus the fact that i had to do the whole tsunami slides and my freaking com hunggg!! RAH. :(
but it worked out incredible in the end.
yup.

oh yeah yesterday pastor jenni was like
"sam! happy new year! 2005 is going to be a great year and Gods gonna do something wonderful about ure circumstance now. he's gonna change it, believe it! come say it with me!'

and i was like..
"uhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

what happened to my faith man? i want it back !

blessed new year!

2005-01-01T11:50:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!
hope your countdown was incredible in its own way (yes even though you may be WORKING on NYE) :)
went for watchnight service at church yesterday which was quite reflective.. made me realize i think i kinda wasted my entire 04 trying to live life by my own standards and not really submitting anything to God.
well like ps jenni said in theory i was correct you can always take what you left at the altar but.... NVMNVM.

so we were actually intending the countdown at gardens or wherever but definitely not a repeat of 2003s megajammed countdown at esplanade.
a buncha us went to uncle yew huats house to bum.
almost all the ya-cellers and some ymers, made me feel a littleeeeeeeee weird!!
talked to darryl and eddie most of the time.. got so shaggggggged at 4++am just had to go back
was supposed to stay over at rachels (RACH im so glad ure BACK!) but decided to come back to prepare what i have to say today for VISION CASTING and the whole tsunami-PLS-HELP-THEM segment. :)
so aunty genin drove me back SAFETLYYYYYY and i snuck back in without waking my parents up! patrick was actually supposed to drive a bunch of us muuuuch earlier but wahlau he was superrrrr gone already lah. eyes like totally closed! haha not takin a lift from you man!!
but its good to have lots of friends with cars eh?

-

2004-12-31T01:41:00.000+08:00

i want to trust god in all that i do
despite not knowing his plans
despite having seemed as though he has let me down a couple of times
i still want to be able to trust him.

why is it my prayers are not answered
is this trial meant to be so long?
doesnt he know that ive been trying to change.... but sometimes its just really hard.
they say it takes 3 days to break a habit.

not true in this circumstance.
this habit has turned into a lifestyle you cant just break what took you so long to create.
-

you see my heart
you know my pains
you hear my silent cries

it just isnt easy!! i mean can you please gimme help in another form? idont know whatever other form just not THIsS!
this whole...counselling with the mother thing just aint gonna happen.
she's gonna be so disappointed when she finds out all ehr SUPPOSEDLY good intentions only turned out for the worse
that she hasnt been a good mother
she's gonna spend her entire life wishing she never gave birth to me
because i just end up.. like THIS.
it isnt always easy to drop the fucking bomb ok.
the deliver NEWSSSS that hey your family ISNT okay
ure family IS an ON THE SURFACE ONLY kind of family
not the ones who are really closely knitted
you arent the mother who really nursed her child
you arent the mother her kid always runs to
you arent the mother whom your only daughter can confide in

but i want you to know that you are also the mother who possess warmth at certain timings
that you arent all that bad like how i sometiems make you out to be.

YOU know what, im just not gonna fucking think about it anymore.

rahrah

2004-12-29T22:38:00.000+08:00

pastor jenni just called to say... she would like it very much if my mom knew about what the psychiatrist told me today.
SOMEBODY TELL ME SHE'S KIDDING.

ok she is.

psych

2004-12-29T16:41:00.000+08:00

righto the appointment was sufficiently weird.
i can't believe i had to wake up at 8freakingAM only to go to SGH to wait 2 whole frikkin' hours.
my appt was supposed to be at 915 but i ended up going in only at 11+. wthhhhhh
it was a veryveryveryvery boring 2 hours. me and betty ended up trash talking! and me partially semi bitch fitting. hehe.

so this psych turned out pretty nice! talked to me for about half an hour before going down into the serious stuff.
she kept asking me what time i did this and when was the next time i did that and i was like..... AM I REALLY SUPPOSE TO REMEMBER THE TIMINGS!!
thank god i got away un-diagnosed because i lied half the time! and the best part is, SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW IT! hahahhaa. ;) which is good so at least now i dont have a stain in my medical history sheesh. so what if i am AT RISKK.
but shes putting me down for 2 more appts which i am gonig to cancel duhhh.
but i have a feeling pastor jennis gonna like tell my mother about it esp since this counselling thing really involves herr as well.
but hey, it aint gonna happen man.

so actually it isnt very accurate.
because i lied.
and i think i lied at the questions whcih were basically targetting at whether or not i had ____.
sometimes i think i am prettyy smart.
hmmm.
so maybe i could have been diagnosed.
whatever.
i do not plan on going back.. so we'll just leave it at this.

settled !
-

so then we hung around westmall and betty highlighted her hair. base red and pinkish highlights! OHHH STORRRRBID betty dont have to get me all jealous hahahhahaha im gonna go for red base and orange streaks the next time. of cuz i gotta wait till my freaking hueg face shrinks a lil and i'll try cutting my hair reallly short and spiking parts of it. ;)

okay for now im gonna crash, zonked.
before that i think i should scout around more for my nets card, i lost it and the best part is i dont know whereeee! :(

no more sc

2004-12-28T22:49:00.000+08:00

i kinda miss the whole back to sch feeling.
at this time last year i would be cramming in last minute assignments
making resolutions to start the year fresh
buying stationary
cramming in more work
lookin forward to morning court-yarding in sc.

i think its starting to hit me that
there is no more nice and big courtyard
no more climbing up the stairs to 4grace
no more running about the compound doing errands for teachers
no more running down the spiral staircase
no more throwing stuff into the eco pond
no more fooling around during chinese lessons reading magazines and poking fun at fengrongs bad fashion sense
no more cocking around no more mocking mrs nathan no more silly things we used to do
no more maggi-mee-aunty no more tunasandwichlady no more running away when me and li see mrs neoh
no more secretly smsing under tables
or going to the toilet to make calls
or pulling up socks whenever you see a prefect
these little things.. define the school moment.

which makes me regret not going for the class bbq today.
so stupid of me to miss it.
ugh.

2004-12-28T19:05:00.000+08:00

suddenly the things which were so important to me just does not matter anymore
you tell me it's fine when you sure as hell know it isnt
go spill the story to anyone..
except the person whom you should really clarify things with.

maybe you've become like me
i do not blame you.
things fade along with time

well, thank you for your presence this year. have a great upcoming 2005.
-

and you..
are getting on everybodys nerve.
-

xin : call me you dotn have a spore line here?
-

xmas photos uploaded.
http://jinglebellrock.mypicgallery.com/mpg/Route.asp

square one

2004-12-27T23:35:00.000+08:00

so i guess this is back to square one.
something i bought on impulse, which if i tell the psych on weds she's gonna mark me down for substance abuse.
i am totally dreading the appointment for a moment i thought i could get away with it since i was going alone and i could lie my stupid ass off.
but turns out God totally sees through my plans so he has now availed betty from work.
so now she is going with me.

meaning, i can't lie.
meaning, i would probably have to go back for more sessions.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

christttmassss. :]

2004-12-26T01:37:00.000+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE ! HOPE YOU HAD A BLESSED TIME.

mission trip photos are finalllly up, courtesy of cherrys album.

today was incredibbbleeeeeeee. sprayed my hair blotches of pink with glitter rushed down to church and distributed all the presents to everyone. :))
so glad soong came she even brought tina! even cooler. heh
everyones hair was sooo mad sooo good for the party theme MAD HAIR MAD SHOES too bad it kinda got cancelled, sorta.
service was grrreatttttt! so long since i actually attended aspc sunday service style. the last one was at cambodia which was... something we werent quite used to.
ANYWAY, then we bummed around and went down to orchard to BADEN. ahhaha yeah basically we did NOTHING the entire day aside from sitting at delifrance going 'ahhh my butttt, feellsss comfffyyy and niceeeeeeee' AHHA jeez and then rushing down to faiths house to pick up our presents which we dumped there then walked allll da way to jasmines house to watch dumb and dumber-ER. which was such a dumb way to spend xmas hehe yeah but we had heaps of fun! thanks for spending xmas with me jas&rach! we did uhmm nothing but it was good nonetheless. :)
TMR night's THE PARTY at jaes. im not really in the party mooood at all. :(
(jas are we still going to campers crusade after service tmr?)

thanks everyone for the presents!! JAS ure letter holders hung on my bed side SO PROMINENTLY VISIBLE FROM ANY ANGLE OF MY ROOM, cherry ure cookiecutters hanging at the windowwww ahd sinyi ure photoframe (whcih was VERYVERY NICEEE) is hanging above my hi-fi set)
LOVE THE GIFTS. :)

xmas eve

2004-12-24T10:26:00.000+08:00

i remember those days when i counted down to christmas, i remember marking off the charts, 13moredays.
it all seems quite funny now, especially when you no longer get that xmasy feeling.
i guess certain things just come with age.

nothing planned today, just gotta pop by sanctuary later to spiceeee it up with xmas decoration! yeah the teams gonna do a mighty excellent job. :)

*melbourne photos are finally up. I MANAGED TO SALVAGE MY SUPPOSEDLY DELETED PHOTOS.

AM radio

2004-12-23T16:10:00.000+08:00

woke up to my favvouurrriiiteee bitchs voice this morn, i'm glad she called cos i mightve slept all the way till dinner if she didnt! xin i misssssed you girl, yes you flew 12hours and you're gonnna watch JACKASS with me! or go to orchard and laugh at people. tsk
anyway i spent the whole afternoon decorating xmas gifts, scribbling stuff to respective people and shoving them into their respective boxes of candyyy
think i'm gonna meet jae for dinner later on at nydc gonna eat my favvourite mudpie!!
just that i don't like the idea of having to change out of my comfy oversized tee and rushing down all the way to orchard. ackkk you know the idea of sleeping in is quite appealing.

but anyway, i think my fringe is getting too long,

it's going to poke my eyeballs out one day.

and should i spray streaks, half my head or the whole head pink for the xmas party?

i was thinking of juz spraying the left side or sth! hahh maybe i should do a black and white thing like cruella.

letting go of me, holding on to you

2004-12-23T15:00:00.000+08:00

you are the center of it all
the universe declares it all
your majesty, i surrender all
-

it's time to put aside what has happened in 2004 and move on.
it has been a rough year,
life goes beyond just that